I read a lot of celebrity gossip online. I'm not sure why, since it never fails to annoy the living crap out of me. I've decided to start talking back:
Dear Entertainment Journalists:
I guess no one ever told you because they were afraid of hurting your feelings or something, but the term "Bennifer" wasn't all that witty. "Brangelina," "TomKat," and "Paris (squared)" are just sad. Stop it. Stop it now.
Dear Lindsay Lohan:
Please consider eating solid foods again. You look like hell on a plate.
Dear Tom Cruise:
We're glad you like Katie, but you're starting to freak us out. Stop it.
Dear Katie Holmes:
Dear Jennifer Garner:
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sure your baby will be a beautiful child with a sweet personality. I just hope you weren't counting it getting its brains or acting chops from Daddy's side of the family.
Dear Paris Hilton:
Congratulations on your engagement. Now go away.
Dear Amber and "Boston" Rob:
Congratulations on your wedding. It was beautiful. Now go away.
Dear Kevin Federline:
You're disgusting. Now go away.
Dear Britney Spears:
Please get some help before your baby is born. Surely they have rehab for whatever is wrong with you.